It’s all about the Journey

When I started writing today I was going to tell you a story about how my blog came to be. How over the months that it took me to create the blog, and now the couple of months its been ‘live’, I found parts of myself I had lost somewhere in the journey of motherhood & wife-hood. Parts that have laid dormant for way too long. Instead, I find myself drawn to taking down my brave face for a minute and sharing part of my journey about how life’s continual curve balls have impacted my little family. How slowly losing your village as a mum can be soul crushing.

It's all about the Journey

Our Wedding Day 2016

I have a decent husband. A man who I love with all my heart. Sure he drives me crazy and pushes my buttons, but when you’ve known someone for so long it’s bound to happen. We all learn over time what makes the other one tick. Hubby and I started dating 13 years ago and in 8 days we will supposedly celebrate our first wedding anniversary together, but here I sit reflecting on what a turbulent time we have had of late.

I won’t lie, it hasn’t been all ‘rainbows & butterflies’ for a while and if anything the last few years have hit us hard. It’s like being stuck in the ocean in a wild storm and you’re on a tiny boat trying to find land but being pounded relentlessly by crashing waves with barely anytime to catch your breath.

Before that storm our life was good, we had just had our second child. We lived in a beautiful home. I actually think it would have been my favourite of all the places I have called home. (We have called 6 houses home over the last 6 years across 3 different states and that doesn’t include the temporary apartments, hotels or caravan parks we stayed in whilst waiting to move in to some of the houses)

Back then we had rhythm, the kids were happy and settled. We had home made pizza nights and loads of family days out exploring the new state we were in. Life was good. Of course there were still some challenges, sleep deprivation, hubby travelling for work etc… but we managed, ‘We’ were all good.

Then the storm rolled in. Hubby’s mum was diagnosed with cancer. We packed up our little family and moved interstate to care for her. The same week that we moved hubby was unexpectedly made redundant from a six figure job. For 6 months we juggled our new life in another new state. It was hard, physically, emotionally, financially… but we had a rhythm and we had each other and we made it work.

It's all about the Journey

The Big Move

We lost friends during that time. I am sure anyone who has been through it can understand how that happens but back then I didn’t. I personally needed a village during that time. Caring for my 2 kids under 3 and still exclusively breastfeeding my son, I was sleep deprived. All the while I was trying to create a home for my family whilst supporting my hubby and helping with all my mother-in-law’s needs and appointments.

My son had his own health issue which included us undertaking an elimination diet for 12 months (removing gluten, dairy, eggs, nuts & sesame seeds – that was a journey in itself). I was giving from an empty cup. I needed my own support crew but had no one to turn to. Instead I had some close friends and family members sit and judge me for not giving as much to them as I normally would have. It was one of the many soul crushing experiences I would have over the next couple of years. My village diminished completely all the while suffering silently.

It's all about the Journey

Our Son’s First Birthday… and only birthday with his Nanna.

One day, very unexpectedly hubby got a call around 6am to say his mum had passed. I can still relive that day as if it was yesterday. That day my hubby not only lost his mum, but he also lost a best friend. His cheer squad and confidant. Not long after that we got a letter from the Real Estate saying the owners wanted to move back into the house we were renting. So, with that we were to move out by Christmas. With no real purpose, no job and nothing holding us down we took a leap of faith and moved to the Northern Rivers. A place for the kids to grow up with some space and nature. A place to get back to basics.

It's all about the Journey

Getting back to basics

The problem was, and still is since that initial move 3 years ago hubby and I have lived out of each others pocket. Day in and day out. It’s not a healthy thing for anyone to do especially if there is no rhythm or clearly stated roles for each person. What worked for us before the storm wasn’t working now. Hubby was the breadwinner and he enjoyed what he did and had purpose in his life. I was the homemaker who dabbled in my doula or website work when I didn’t have newborn babies. Now our roles have merged and overlapped. We constantly step on each others toes. We have become tangled in a whole lot of heart ache, frustration, exhaustion and confusion. He lost himself and is still grieving. I’m the same.

I don’t know what the answer is or how to break the cycle. I just know that I have to keep trying with the knowledge of knowing that no storm, well nothing really, ever lasts for ever.

Twin Mummy and Daddy

9 thoughts on “It’s all about the Journey

  1. Jacq says:

    Love your story. I’m sorry you’re going through this. We’re also having it tough and I too often find myself reminiscing (and even shedding a tear) on times when our life was easier but I just keep reminding myself to push forward, to never give up, and to be happy with the simple things. xx

    Jacq
    jacqwritesworld.com

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  2. Heather Keet says:

    It will not last forever. Within 2 weeks of marrying my husband, the military unexpectedly moved us to the other side of the country. Within 6 months my husband lost the stepfather who raised him to cancer, his paternal grandmother passed, and his maternal grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. He was also deployed during all of this and had no access to phones, email, or mail for months at a time. When he was home we were at war in our home due to the stress of the deaths and illness and our financial problems from all the unexpected flights to visit relatives. Even the dish washing was a constant source of tension because the other person never “did them right” according to the other. But within 3 years we were looking back on it with a deep breath and feeling the load lighten a bit. We are now 10 years out of that dark time and while there have been bumps, they all seem easier due to the rough time we both remember. Keep pushing through and reach out for help from friends and family when you need to! #ThatFridayLinky

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  3. blogofdadjames says:

    It takes guts to share a story like that. I has tears in my eyes reading it. You are an incredibly strong person and I’m sure you will be able to find a way to work through to a happier place. You may have lost your village, but those of us who have become lucky enough to get to know you a little recently are behind you and cheering you all the way!

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  4. Bespoke Mama says:

    So poignant, so moving. We have had a small taste of being in each kther’s pockets – we got priced-out of London after the birth of our twins and had to move in with my parents. We are still living in very close confines and barely see each other, whilst having very little space! We survive right now by tag-teaming the twins: taking it in turns to take them solo, so the other can rest. I have to have faith that it gets easier!

    Sounds like you made the right choice with your move though – looks so beautiful x

    #ThatFridayLinky

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  5. mamagrace says:

    Very vulnerable and brave post. Like you say with the storm, life is constantly changing but I also bet there are joys to celebrate at the moment, though sometimes when there’s so much pressure you have to take more time to look at them to clear the dust.

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  6. Twin Mum/Dad: Emily (@Twinmumanddad) says:

    Oh hunny. Such a brave post. I lost my mum to ovarian cancer when I was 18. Mum was just 50 years old so it hit us all hard, and 12 years on it still does. I’d like to say that grieving gets easier, but for me it’s only gotten harder as memories fade, and knowing that mum will never meet my children, husband etc. Relationships can be tough at the best of the times. A little breathing space can be a good thing. Sending you all lots of positive energy. Thanks for linking up to #ThatFridayLinky

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  7. Daddy Poppins says:

    Awh Tash. I resonate with a lot of this post. Things aren’t always perfect. But opening up about things is the first step in the road to resolution.
    If your village left you for fickle reasons then were they your village in the first place. We’ve been delighted to get to know you online over the last while. It’s obvious your lovely. Keep the head up high and you need anything from us (your online village) just ask.

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  8. diynige says:

    Life is always changing very honest post and really intersting read Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please

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  9. Natalie Wallace says:

    It’s interesting reading this the timing of it for me. I was just reflecting yesterday to my mother that it has suddenly just got a whole lot easier with my children as I sat sipping champagne not constantly worrying where my children were in that moment, not feeling as vigilant as I did for so many years.
    I had three under three, the sleep deprivation was debilitating and we also had no tribe at the time but my parents having just relocated back to Australia from the UK after 7 years and I was suffering post natal depression and didn’t know it. My husband and I didn’t make it. 3 years ago we split up. It had been so hard and I had changed, grown and been opened to a whole new reality and I couldn’t go back to the old me. It was very sad. It still is but I have such a lovely life. I also relocated to this area so it’s wonderful and it’s hard and it’s wonderful. But I did have that moment with my mum yesterday sitting on the sofa with all this space and felt myself actually relaxed for the first time in 10 years without having to arrange a whole “thing” to get ‘me’ time. It was natural, it just happened. It was such a small moment but so pertinent. It does change. It is always changing. Being vulnerable, being real, honest and true to what Is, is such a rare and wonderful thing and I think you are incredible. Thank you for sharing. I wish I had done the same years ago. It would have helped a lot x

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